For as long as I can remember, I would inadvertently get an overwhelming sense of ‘homesickness’ at seemingly random times in my life. I guess to start with, it’s probably best to distinguish what ‘homesickness’ is, and like all emotions, we will all have different experiences, but for me and maybe for you it’s a feeling deep within my stomach, making me feel physically a little sick, and experiencing an emotional response likened to mild anxiety, an overall sense of ‘just wanting to be at home’. Possibly the earliest signs of this experience are when we are children, maybe staying away for the first time, maybe at a sleep over with our friends or a school trip away. We can associate this feeling of ‘homesickness’ to that of being away from our family home, or maybe being away from the people that we feel most ‘at home’ with, overall just the immense feeling of discomfort at the idea of being taken away from that space where we feel the safest, the most secure, nurtured, the most taken care of.
So what happens when you suddenly lose this space called ‘home’, where you are suddenly carted into an experience where you’re unsure where you can or should truly call ‘home’, not only losing your familiar surroundings, but also the people in them. How does this sudden loss of identity, (and also a potential new adopted identity of not feeling good enough to be loved or accepted) play out for you? We seek it. We ask for it. We look for it in every place that we can find it. And if left unaware of what the micro messages are can often keep perpetuating the same feelings thus creating more of the same experience for the rest of our lives. (That’s a whole other post).
As a teen, I lived in various different houses, some family members, some not until the age of 18 where I met my first serious partner and moved in with him after a few short months. His family welcomed me with open arms and I remember saying even then, ‘I just really feel at home here’ because to me at the time, the idea of what a home should offer, had, I guess, been ‘ticked off’. Loving home, loving people, finally a bit of peace. It had made me feel for the first time in a long time that I should finally be able to just breathe, to relax, and all of this because I was finally in a ‘home’ environment – the external environment was ‘ideal’.
However, during this time I would still every now and then get this overwhelming sense of homesickness. When I would truly connect though I started recognising that it was cropping up at pretty prominent times, like when I would connect in with the truth that the relationship I was in wasn’t right, or maybe the start of a new job that I hadn’t truly aligned with (this happened a lot), or sometimes just in the dead of the night when I was unable to sleep, often crippled with loneliness and a sense that I was ready for a new change. This same sense would crop up and I would feel confused as to what it was I was yearning for. ‘Why homesickness?’ I would think. ‘I’m finally in a safe home environment with people that accept me, so what are you telling me’. I chose instead to listen to what it was that this sense was bringing up for me. And broken down, of course, ‘homesickness’ is the sense that you’re away from home. And that’s when it really hit me. I wasn’t at home. And it was nothing to do with a building, or the people in the building. This was about me. Just me. It always had been, and it always will be. I wasn’t feeling safe, secure, nurtured, loved, accepted – within myself. I was feeling lost. I was wandering around outside of myself, not yet ‘at home’ with who I was, what I was doing, where I was going. In short, I was absolutely disconnected from my life, from my true purpose. My heart just wasn’t in the life I was living. It’s when I knew that things needed to change.
I think it’s often too easy, in fact a lot of the time we have an unconscious programming, to seek advise and acceptance from outside of ourselves. But truly, we know the answers all along if only we can learn to listen. The revelation to me that I was missing a feeling of being unconditionally loved, of being truly nurtured, accepted, the feeling of being secure, from within myself and not from other people, was the most empowering thought I’d really ever entertained. I didn’t have to be dependent on something outsourced to make me feel these things. I was and am the creator of my life, and by changing the way that I was internalising my experiences would of course change my entire life experience.
Through yoga and with the fire within myself, a fire that I absolutely know that you too possess, I truly was able to acknowledge that I didn’t have to wait for anyone or anywhere to hold that space for me. I could hold that space for me. That space of acceptance, of peace, of love and security, of trust and of stability. All of those feelings and ideologies we associate with a loving home, and being around a loving family. Of course I am learning every single day, through every single experience and every single person that I come into contact with, and with each expansion I am learning to love and trust the process a little more.
Check in with your messages. What do they mean for you? For the topic of this blog post, if you ever find that you experience this sense of ‘homesickness’, check in and journal until your hearts content to hone in on the specifics of what you’re reaching for at that time in your life. What are you searching for?
“What you seek is seeking you – Rumi”
Home is where your heart is.
Love and light,